Waiting............

The good news comes on Friday...... no, the AWESOME news comes.  There is no trace of cancer in my lymph nodes.  The relief that flooded through my body was like an ocean emptying.  I honestly didn't realize how much I was stressing over this.

I think when this first all happened I was fairly shocked.  I had been called back in for additional "pictures" from a mammogram at least twice over the past years.  When I was called in this time, it wasn't a huge shock and I wasn't terribly alarmed.  When they wanted to do an ultrasound I still wasn't terribly alarmed.  When they wanted to do a biopsy I was a little more concerned, but very little.  When the biopsy came back positive, I was a bit shocked but figured I would have the cancer removed and life would go on.  What's a little surgery?

When the doctor told us it was invasive and my test results started coming back unfavorable for an easy treatment I was honestly in total shock.  And denial.  This wasn't happening to me.  When the surgeon told me this would involve surgery, radiation and chemo I still don't think I believed it.

So now I am waiting.  I call tomorrow to set up an appointment with the oncologist.  He's the one who will decide how my life is going to be for the next few months or year. 

Post surgery thoughts....  I had a wonderful weekend not thinking much about the fact that I am not done with my journey.  The friends we have are amazing!  I know without a doubt they will be there with us through this little speed bump aka cancer.

Elaine recently told me it is weird to hear yourself say "my oncologist".  She was right.  It is weird.  But this is the man that will decide the plan for Jim and I over the next months or year.  I'm a little frightened.  I am also a lot hopeful.  With my pathology tests coming back so positive maybe I will only have radiation.  Or maybe I will have the targeted chemo with Herceptin (the type of medicine) that doesn't make you lose your hair!  (You have no idea how vain you are until someone tells you that you may lose all of your hair).

I also did research on my port tonight.  I've read and I've watched You Tubes.  Interesting little piece of equipment that saves you a bunch of pain.  But wow.  It is under my skin near my collar bone on the left side.  It looks like I have been invaded by something under my skin and it is trying to get out.  Jim keeps reminding me that this is the little angel that is going to save me from getting poked with needles all the time.  It's still weird though.  And the tube that is attached to it goes into a large vein near my heart.  That just sounds scary. 

As you can see, my mind is still working away.  I watched videos of my grandchildren tonight and need to remember to tell my daughter in law to keep taping.  I think these will get me through chemo!

I worry about Jim.  He is carrying the burden.  I know he doesn't want to walk in to a room when I am crying because I am watching a video about breast cancer or chemo.  But he doesn't react.  He just hugs me and tells me we are in this together.  I don't know how I will ever make this up to him.