Petrified

Yesterday I realized how absolutely petrified I am.  Again, when Jim is not around I tend to think to much.  This is good for me though.  I need to accept the fact that it's ok to be scared.  It's normal.  I don't have to always be so damn brave about everything. 

Jim went to Korey's for a while.  I was feeding the cats.  I bent over and my incision hurt and for some reason that sparked a ton of emotion that I wasn't expecting.  I can handle the soreness.  I can't handle what comes next.  But I have to.  I have to make sure this cancer is out of me! 

The waiting is no fun either.  Until we get the final results from the surgery to see if the lymph nodes have any cancer, we don't know what kind or how much chemo I will need. 

And then there's David.  How do you talk to your child about how scared you are.  I am the one that is supposed to teach him how to be strong.  But I'm not strong right now.  I am weak.  He and Tiffany have contacted me ever day.  They are both so supportive. 

I have slept in the living room for the past two nights.  I miss Jim.  I am sleeping odd hours and tossing and turning though.  And I'm afraid of hurting any of my incisions.  This morning i woke up to the sound of the coffee pot.  Yummy coffee.  Then I felt Jim crawl into bed with me and wrap his arms around me.  This is the man I love.  I know he will be here for me.  I am so sorry he is having to go through this though. 

I don't want to be the one that everyone is feeling sorry.  I am always the strong one.  However, the support that everyone is sharing gives me strength.  It makes me realize I can do this!