Almost Cut my Hair.........

Making a decision to cut your hair when it starts to fall out is easy when it's not falling out yet.  Once it starts falling out, it becomes a little more difficult.  Especially when it just becomes very thin.

My hair began coming out a few weeks ago.  But it never completely fell out.  It's just very, very thin.  So now what do we do?  Well, we have talked about this a lot.  We've made the decision (the new decision) that if it stays like it is, I will keep it until my new hair starts coming back in. I will just wear scarves.  Then, once the new hair is actually coming in we will cut it all very short. That way,  it will not be a bunch of random lengths.

So, this is the new decision............. for now.

Chemo - Round 2

Round 2

Round 2 and Going Strong #RuthieStrong

Little scare this morning thinking I would have to postpone until tomorrow in order for insurance to pay.  Surely don't want to pay for that myself!   And, tomorrow David and Jack come to town to visit.  We want to hike around our farm and the Hart's farm and show them all the beauty we have.  And maybe PinckneyBend Distillery :-)They got it worked out though and here I am. 

I have been awake since 4:30 am.  I tossed and turned and finally got up around 5:00 and started working in the kitchen.  Amazing what you can get done early in the morning!  

I took Jim's coffee to him around 6:40 and we got our day started.  Once again, he put the numbing medicine on my port so I don't feel the needle.  He does such a good job of applying and covering it up with plastic wrap so it soaks in good.  The nurses always compliment his good job.  We left around 8:15 and made it in plenty of time to get my bloodwork going to ensure I could get my chemo today.  

This whole cancer thing is still amazing to me.  My original mammogram was mid -January.  Here we are in mid-March and I have already had surgery, recovered and now on my second round of chemo.  

I hope my second round goes as the first did.  Three days of  "up", three days of "way down" and then uphill until my 3rd round starts. 

Cancer changes so many things in so many ways.  

- You meet people, amazing people, that you would likely have never met.  Today we met Laura and her husband.  

- You face mortality

- You learn about a LOT of drugs 

- You  begin to realize that things you used to think we important, are not quite so important. 

- You learn to listen to your doctor when he says take you anti-nausea BEFORE you get nauseous!

- You APPRECIATE!   Your spouse, your AMAZING friends, the beauty of the world, the nurses in the cancer center, the doctors....  so many things.   

I know I can do this.  I don't like the "down" days.  I am so used to being up and active.  Feeling down and unable to even make it out of bed for a day or two is not pleasurable.  But I have learned that when I need to rest, I rest!  

Although I never wanted cancer, I must say this journey is truly a learning experience.  One I will never forget!

Peace and Love to All!

Still waiting........

Waiting sucks!

Two more days until we meet with the oncologist.  Waiting to find out my schedule for the next year.  Although I don't want to go through chemo..... or radiation....... I also can't wait to get it started.  I think about what's going on in my body.  Are there little cancer cells floating around waiting to attach somewhere.  I know that is not likely the case, but it still goes through my mind.  

The support still knocks me off my chair.  People are amazing.  Cards, calls, texts, meals.  How can I possibly deserve all of this support.  

And my husband.  I don't even know where to begin.  He's the one that keeps me laughing.  He's the one that will shave my head.  And apparently polish it.  He holds me, he touches me as he walks past, he holds my hand while we are in the car, he asks me how I'm feeling.  He teases me.  He kisses me. I love this man so much!

My family. Again, I don't know where to begin.  I talk to David many times a week. I worry about him worrying about me.  I can't seem to reassure him enough that I will be fine.   Everyone in my family has reached out and said or done something nice.  And teased me.  Elaine and I have this thing going on ..........  She says, "Can you do this for me? I have a broken wrist" and I say "So what, I have cancer".   It's nice to joke around about it sometimes.  Better than crying!  I have received flowers, a pink hat, a chicken shirt,plants, seeds for plants, advice..  Again, how wonderful is my life!

Still a little scared though.

Waiting............

The good news comes on Friday...... no, the AWESOME news comes.  There is no trace of cancer in my lymph nodes.  The relief that flooded through my body was like an ocean emptying.  I honestly didn't realize how much I was stressing over this.

I think when this first all happened I was fairly shocked.  I had been called back in for additional "pictures" from a mammogram at least twice over the past years.  When I was called in this time, it wasn't a huge shock and I wasn't terribly alarmed.  When they wanted to do an ultrasound I still wasn't terribly alarmed.  When they wanted to do a biopsy I was a little more concerned, but very little.  When the biopsy came back positive, I was a bit shocked but figured I would have the cancer removed and life would go on.  What's a little surgery?

When the doctor told us it was invasive and my test results started coming back unfavorable for an easy treatment I was honestly in total shock.  And denial.  This wasn't happening to me.  When the surgeon told me this would involve surgery, radiation and chemo I still don't think I believed it.

So now I am waiting.  I call tomorrow to set up an appointment with the oncologist.  He's the one who will decide how my life is going to be for the next few months or year. 

Post surgery thoughts....  I had a wonderful weekend not thinking much about the fact that I am not done with my journey.  The friends we have are amazing!  I know without a doubt they will be there with us through this little speed bump aka cancer.

Elaine recently told me it is weird to hear yourself say "my oncologist".  She was right.  It is weird.  But this is the man that will decide the plan for Jim and I over the next months or year.  I'm a little frightened.  I am also a lot hopeful.  With my pathology tests coming back so positive maybe I will only have radiation.  Or maybe I will have the targeted chemo with Herceptin (the type of medicine) that doesn't make you lose your hair!  (You have no idea how vain you are until someone tells you that you may lose all of your hair).

I also did research on my port tonight.  I've read and I've watched You Tubes.  Interesting little piece of equipment that saves you a bunch of pain.  But wow.  It is under my skin near my collar bone on the left side.  It looks like I have been invaded by something under my skin and it is trying to get out.  Jim keeps reminding me that this is the little angel that is going to save me from getting poked with needles all the time.  It's still weird though.  And the tube that is attached to it goes into a large vein near my heart.  That just sounds scary. 

As you can see, my mind is still working away.  I watched videos of my grandchildren tonight and need to remember to tell my daughter in law to keep taping.  I think these will get me through chemo!

I worry about Jim.  He is carrying the burden.  I know he doesn't want to walk in to a room when I am crying because I am watching a video about breast cancer or chemo.  But he doesn't react.  He just hugs me and tells me we are in this together.  I don't know how I will ever make this up to him. 

Petrified

Yesterday I realized how absolutely petrified I am.  Again, when Jim is not around I tend to think to much.  This is good for me though.  I need to accept the fact that it's ok to be scared.  It's normal.  I don't have to always be so damn brave about everything. 

Jim went to Korey's for a while.  I was feeding the cats.  I bent over and my incision hurt and for some reason that sparked a ton of emotion that I wasn't expecting.  I can handle the soreness.  I can't handle what comes next.  But I have to.  I have to make sure this cancer is out of me! 

The waiting is no fun either.  Until we get the final results from the surgery to see if the lymph nodes have any cancer, we don't know what kind or how much chemo I will need. 

And then there's David.  How do you talk to your child about how scared you are.  I am the one that is supposed to teach him how to be strong.  But I'm not strong right now.  I am weak.  He and Tiffany have contacted me ever day.  They are both so supportive. 

I have slept in the living room for the past two nights.  I miss Jim.  I am sleeping odd hours and tossing and turning though.  And I'm afraid of hurting any of my incisions.  This morning i woke up to the sound of the coffee pot.  Yummy coffee.  Then I felt Jim crawl into bed with me and wrap his arms around me.  This is the man I love.  I know he will be here for me.  I am so sorry he is having to go through this though. 

I don't want to be the one that everyone is feeling sorry.  I am always the strong one.  However, the support that everyone is sharing gives me strength.  It makes me realize I can do this!

Surgery Day

Surgery Day is over!

The monster is gone!

Yesterday morning I woke up scared.  So scared.  It is the day that means this is all really happening. Jim is so supportive.  Lots of hugs.  The stats of the day go as follows:
8:00 - Jim drives me in.
9:30 I get checked in. We are guided to our "room" that will act as our home base for the day. I change into surgery clothes.
11:00 am - dye injection and lymph node testing
12:00 - guided wire localization. A wire is placed inside my breast which will assist the surgeon in quickly finding the area to be removed.
3:00  - Off to surgery for the removal of the cancer and insertion of the port that will be used for the chemo treatments.
Sometime around 6:30 we leave

Thoughts for the day:

Jim is wonderful.  He holds my hand the entire way into the city and keeps me laughing all day.  He tells me jokes, he makes fun of my outfit, he sings silly songs with me.  He takes one of the latex gloves out of the box and blows it up like a balloon.  When the nurses leave he takes the little finger "heart rate checker" and checks both of our heartbeats and oxygen levels.  He has something going on with his eye and yet his concern is for me.  I am worried about his eye but every time I ask how his eye is he blows me off. 

I don't realize how much I am leaning on him until I have to get wheeled away for all of these procedures.  I cry immediately each time.  i know I have to be strong but i'm not sure how strong I could actually be without him.  When he is not around I think about how much I love him and how strong he is being for me.  When I was laying getting my lymph node test I was trying to think of one memory to focus on with Jim.  My favorite.  I realized I had too many "favorite" moments with him.  So instead of one memory to focus on, I had a video clip of many.  It was quite wonderful

Chuck Clifford - the other story to our day.  Chuck comes to the hospital to wait with Jim while I was in surgery.  However, surgery didn't happen when it was supposed to so Chuck was able to come wait with us in our room.  My love poured out for both of them.  Chuck was there for Jim but ended up being there for both of us.  We talked about everything and laughed about everything.  More importantly, he laughed at my drug induced jokes and silliness when I got out of surgery. 

When the doctor comes to talk to us, Chucks heads to the waiting room.  The Dr. Limpert talks to us about the procedure and next steps.  After this, my oncologist , Dr. Huser will take over.  He will be the one making the decisions.  Dr.  Limpert will still have a little influence but its basically his call  At this point I realize our Africa trip may be in jeopardy.  I have to keep reminding myself that my health is much more important.  However, I still feel so guilty that I am affecting Jim so much. I want to scream.

Off to surgery. The next thing I remember waking up and seeing Jim and Chuck. And I was very happy and giggly. I remember saying hello to every person in the hall as the passed my room. I think we were all singing songs also. Until the drugs wore off and the nausea set in. I really am trying to minimize the amount of medicine I put into my body but I finally agreed to take some anti-nausea medicine. It took a little bit to work but once it did I was ready to head home. I'm glad I had the nurse give me the medicine.

Jim got me home safe and sound. He was exhausted and I felt so bad for him. He is so good to me. He made the sofa bed in the living room for me so I could toss and turn and stay comfortable. I love this man so much.

I will have three new scars. One for the cancer removal, one under my arm for the lymph node removal for testing and one for the port insertion. 

This morning, I read more of my Breast Cancer Treatment Handbook.  I realize that my lymph nodes could have cancer and if they do, cancer cells could be elsewhere in my body.  That terrifies me.  I won't know the results until next week unfortunately.

I go in to Jim and take him his coffee.  Something I absolutely love doing.  He helps me take my shirt off so he can look at my incisions.  After he sees them I go into the bathroom to look at them.  I have a little meltdown.  I look like a monster.  The one under my arm is the worst.  Jim reminds me that I am a fast healer, I still have both breasts and I am going to be fine.

Everything is so scary.  I think of David.  And Tiffany.  And my two beautiful grandchildren. 

I think about how much I absolutely love life and I am NOT ready to end that.  I know that it is way too early to even think things like that but I can't help it.  I have so much more living to do.

Enough for now.

Dementia

And as a side note.......

When they were asking my me medical history (which consisted of at least 2,000 questions) one of the questions was, "Have you had any trouble with dementia?".

I really wanted to answer, "I don't remember...".